“I'm Doug and I'm an alcoholic.”
“Hi, Doug!”
“One of the things I do for a living is count. I count votes: yay, nays, neutrals, abstaining, and I'm good at it. But the most important count I do has nothing to do with work. It's a number of days since April 4th, 1999. As of this morning that's 5,185 days. The bigger that number gets the more it frightens me because I know all it takes is one drink to go back to zero.
Most people see fear as a weakness. It can be. Sometimes for my job I have to put fear in other people. I know that's not right but if I'm honest, like the four step asks us to be, I have to be ruthless because failure is not an option.
The same goes for my sobriety - I have to be ruthless with myself. I have to use my fear! It makes me stronger. Like everyone in this room I can't control who I am but I can control the zero. F*ck the zero!”
“Who would like to share next?”
I would:
If you’ve watched House of Cards you might know this scene above all too well. Most people who watch House of Cards are left with the memories of Frank Underwood’s goated sayings, but I got stuck with this Doug speech for too long I had to share it. Also because, I coincide with Doug. All it takes is one drink to go back to zero days of abstinence. And that is what I call addiction!
I have had this ‘one last drink’ deception in my head for so long that it has been years now since I promised myself I’d leave soda alone. I don’t take alcohol whatsoever, but everyone has a devil on his shoulder. And mine has pitched a Coke tent on my shoulder. My high school mates were shocked by the soda intakes I used to have EVERY SINGLE DAY after school. That is 350ml of soda, 7 days a week, for three months consistently. I sometimes would rather not take the insipid murram (succotash) but have two sodas and mandazis for supper or lunch. And I would be fine, the sugar rush keeping me active throughout the day or evening preps.
And like Doug, I would sometimes start counting days of me not taking soda at all. But sooner or later I would relapse, willingly might I add, saying, ”One last Coke won’t hurt.” And one last bottle would turn to another, and another, and yet another.
And so here I am, 5 years since my promise to stop drinking soda, with a soda in my hand as I write this piece, a part of me accepting the failure that I will never stop this addiction. But a part of me still hopeful, that one day I’ll actually even forget the taste of soda.
I once even involved my girlfriend to remind me not to take soda because I would resort to a drink after any minor inconvenience. That didn’t work! Because whenever she wasn’t around I would have a glass or two. And even locking the fridge at home wouldn’t work coz I would be on a walk outside and see the many Coca-Cola fridges filled with colorful bottles and I would buy a Coke without even thinking twice.
And so I gave up! At this point I’d have to be chained to a tree to not drink a soda. I’ve been at zero days of abstinence since like forever.
Help!
The same can be said about other abstinences that I’ve been trying: sleeping late or sleeping in, phone addiction, truancy. For the past month or more, I’ve been notorious among my school peers to be a truant to theory classes, arguing that such classes should be done online so that I don’t have to leave the comfort of my couch. And I honestly still think I’m right, but I’ll fight my case another day. But I’d kept a two-week, plus a few days, streak of attending each and every single class - both daytime and evening classes. Until one class I missed this Friday, and now I’m back to zero, coz if my peers need evidence of my truancy they’ll just look at the one class I missed on Friday and forget all the other weeks I came to class everyday. Back to zero.
Same to an alcoholic; a person might go months without as much as a drop of alcohol, without anyone acknowledging his efforts. But the one time he relapses with just one shot, everyone will be around watching and they’ll be fully convinced he is still an alcoholic, no matter how many times he argues his case of months of abstinence. Back to zero.
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PS: If you have a few seconds to spare, please hit the <reply> button and let me know what you thought of this email. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it and what could be improved. It also reminds me that there’s another person reading it on the other end of my screen😅. Thanks.
Have a wonderful week ahead!
✍🏽Reagan.