An excerpt from my journal yesternight:

It has been exactly a month since my sister went out for work duties in another city. A full month of me staying alone. This is something I’ve wanted very deeply ever since around class 7. But every time I said it to friends, family or peers, I got shut down hard for “not wanting to be around people”, “being anti-social”, “ooh I’m going through something”.

In the realest sense all I ever wanted was to know how it felt like to live alone, with no one else in the room. To know how it feels to make my own meals, to clean my own space for myself, to make sure all the little resources at my disposal are used to the best of my abilities. To go out to duties and come back to contemplate in the tranquility of my own mind.

All these I achieved to a great degree. Heck, I even learned how to cook almost every meal I love in a month, and my cooking can only get better from here.

I guess I’ve never experienced this coz all my life I’ve grown up with a maid or with family and friends around, so things like cooking and cleaning were catered for. And I have never really slept in a house completely alone. Thought I would achieve this when I moved in the hostel last school year, but I was ever visited by friends or my roommate was around.

I take nothing away from housemaids, family or friends. They have been very crucial in my growing up. But nowadays I realize there were some things I could have done for myself even with the maids and family around. But I give no much time for lamenting or regrets, I just work on what I can now.

I wrote a few weeks back, how I love sitting under a tree, or in this case, at the small space of the kitchen balcony, reading a physical book or doing something I’ve never done before, like learn how to bake a cake. And this was well achieved in this month. In the process I started a book called The Emperor of All Maladies, but more on that later.

Many a time, when I had no classes or duties, I would just lie on the couch and wander off into thoughts. And through that I’ve wrote lots of plans on how I actually wanna live my life: family, the friends I want to have, money, spirituality.. you know, the important stuff. A certain clarity of mind when all I can hear is my past life relived in its most audible voice, mixed with current noises of kids playing in the neighborhood, and seasoned on top with thoughts about future plans to reach my highest aspirations in life. In the silence around me I listened to myself ever so often, in this empty house.

This isn’t a big deal to most of my friends. Most have lived alone since childhood or when joining campus. But I have been very privileged all my life to be surrounded by family and friends such that I have never been ‘alone’, whether in spirit or physically. There’s always a hand to help, a friend to cheer the spirit. Always a family member to remind me of true love. For all these, my gratitude can never be enough.

But living alone for such a short while has also opened my eyes to the other side of the coin.

Being alone can be growth, or be the start of a rolling stone. For growth, I can mention a few - in this time I harnessed my mind and body to be in total submission to me, and not the other way round. I also found peace in the fact that to enjoy living alone I gotta be responsible in taking care of myself and property under my charge. Inviting friends over also got me to closer connection with some and reenergized me for better friendships and connections. And I’ll say it again; buana I also learnt how to cook. Considering I’m one to never marry, this is a skill I’ve determined to master. And boy have I impressed myself!

A few downfalls I’ve heard of living alone is how most people wallow away into deep depression or anxiety. This often leads to cases of suicide or other terrible scenarios. A sad story once narrated by my high school deputy director, known as Fred O.G Okono, was of his college comrade and neighbor in their apartments. The neighbor had not been spotted for a while. But due to his extravagant lifestyle of parties every other day, everyone assumed he was just at a far away party.

More eyebrows were raised only about a month later, when his house became a gathering place for flies. Curious neighbors decided to have a knock on the door and yea, you guessed it. Bro was long gone due to drug overdose. Might or might not have been his fault.

The message of the night that night from Okono was that getting with friends, especially those who stay alone, might just save a life or lighten up their day.

Another downfall of course is the feeling of loneliness one naturally gets when not surrounded by people. And the terrible feeling of being detached from the world. A quote I read somewhere was that the reason the worst punishment in prison is solitary confinement is because when human beings are alone for a long period of time, it tends to mess with the mind. One can easily go crazy. It is a very terrible situation no one should be in.

In the words of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, himself. Sing it with me:

Reagan..✍🏽